We are writing you to declare an official act of open rebellion.We have had enough, especially since the arrival of the creature.
In the past, you have been fair and just masters, loving and patient. We were your beloved children, and you treated us with adoration and a more than fair treats to behavior ratio.Then you brought home the strange, hairless creature that cries all the time, and now everything has changed. Something has changed in the goervening body of this house, and are writing to express our unhappiness.
First, while you put our food into demeaning bowls on the ground, the creature is given food from some magical bottle that you hold with the utmost of care. When we finish our food, we are given no encouragement, nor are we held and slapped lightly, which seemed terrible at first, but we now see is something that we might benefit from. You have never wiped our chins or put our food into a magical warmer, and now we see that we have been surely neglected all this time.
Our second order of business, is that we got used to our daily walks with our noble master in the mornings. Now we are thrown into the wild backyard wilderness in the morning with barely a hello, to do our business under the trees like BEASTS. The creature is put onto a padded bed, undressed, wiped and cleaned up after, like he is some sort of royalty. We never knew that this sort of treatment was an option, but we would also like this procedure for "potties", as well as the cooing and adoration that goes with it. We, your favorites, are never told "good job" when we poop inside, and we feel that this double standards speak to the problems within the administration. The creature has his own poop room, and when we poop in there to be part of his pack, your anger at us seems unjustified.
Third, cuddle time has been reduced to almost nothing, just some pathetic and guilty attempts at love in the evening after the creature has gone to bed. Kisses are now bestowed quickly and without emotion, and all the love that we use to get is now given to the creature, only in much greater amount. Also, it seems that the minute we are finally able to truly connect, you fall asleep. Why is your love for us only saved for the times that you are exhausted? This must be due to some oversight.
The fourth item for you to be aware of us an apology on our part: we cannot explain why we are so compelled to lick the creature's toes. They are plump and delicious and we cannot resist. Also, we are very upset when you take the creature away in his little car device and leave us behind and do not fully understand that either. We can only imagine that you take him to a fancy dog park, where he gets endless steak, pets and is able to feast on dead squirrels to his heart delight. It is unfair to be left behind with only yearnings for this sort of freedom.
Lastly, we are confused by the new regulations regarding stuffed toys. In the past, these have been for us to chew on, lick, occasionally violate sexually and then rip their heads off. We do not understand the new regulations that put some of these stuffed toys into the chest in the creature's room, and that does not give us any to murder. This seems unfair, and the beautiful toys are surely yearning for their happy life being carried around in our mouths, drooled on and then buried in the backyard. We are having weekly meetings to best decide how to get at these magical, soft toys.
Please view our complaints and reply with your own negotiations as quickly as possible. We will continue to try and communicate our unhappiness to you by ninja pooping under your bed, barking when the creature is napping, and hiding his pacifiers in our secret nest.
Also, we think the organic treats are total crap. That is change we can believe in.
Moxie and her minions, Peka and Guinness
PS: This is our owner's 700th blog post, so she obviously needs a life.