Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Curious Incident of the Spider in the Daytime Library

Let's follow that emotional blog with a lighter one, shall we?  I'll tell you what happened to me today.

The Spider Incident.

It happened today at the library.  I like writing at the library because I can work there for free, without buying a delicious drink of some sort.  I like delicious drinks, but my bank account does not.

I was working on the book (40 more pages, and the second draft of Queen of Hearts is FINISHED, glory be!) and something caught my eye. First, let me set the stage a little: I was sitting in a VERY high-backed booth and my cord to my computer went up from the laptop, up, up and over the booth and then down into the plug.  It was totally ridiculous set up, but I needed power.    So while I'm writing a very intense emotional scene, I see something moving and low and behold, there is a large tan spider scuttling his way up the cord which pretty much goes up my shoulder and then right by my FACE. And that spider was booking it.  He wanted to maim me before eating my face.

 I'm not sure if a black or a tan spider is scarier, but I think it's tan because they blend in. You don't see them until it's too late.  Anyways, I didn't really think about that right then, because I couldn't think about anything other than distancing myself from the spider as quickly as possible.   It wasn't huge, but when a spider is moving quickly towards you, you always think it's Shelob from Lord of the Rings.

Maybe you only think that if you're a nerd.

 In one AMAZING SUPERHERO movement, I launched myself away from the computer and also threw a library book that I had yet to check out (It's called "Accelerated" and I'm super pumped to read it) at the spider on the cord.  I don't mean that I hit it with the book. I mean that I threw the book AT the cord with both hands and it flew unattached into the spider.

Here's what happened. I hit my legs loudly on the desk, which sent the whole thing cracking upwards.   It was very loud and people must have thought I was having some sort of seizure.   The hardback book flew into the cord.  It ripped out the cord from my computer. The book went flying on the floor.  The cord flung itself backwards over the booth and the battery landed in Nebraska somewhere. 

I have no idea what happened to the spider, but I can't imagine that having a hardback book thrown at you when you are about 2 inches big is a great experience.   Everyone in the library stared at me.  Two girls put their heads together and whispered.  I WISH it was something like "Hey, isn't that the author of Elly in Bloom? Wow, I wish I could buy her stuff at Ikea that she wants!" Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that it was more something like "Why did that girl with the crazy hair just throw a book at her computer?"

Can I just say, for the record, that I don't understand spiders???   Let's pretend for a moment that there are giants living in the world.  Evil, mean giants who rule everything and are like a million times bigger than us.   They have a reputation of killing us with a single swat of their hand or stomping us to death. They don't like us, in fact, being around them is sheer madness, because it leads straight to death.   You know what I wouldn't DO?

Dangle in their faces from my web.  Drop down from the ceiling when they go up stairs. Run towards them on the carpet when they are watching a movie.  Crawl over their faces when they are sleeping.   Lurk around in their socks.   Make a home in their cupboard, or above their door or under the bed.  Crawl up their shin.
If I was a spider, I would stay AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE from giants that want to kill me.

But no. Spiders are bold and stupid little buggers and they like nothing better than scaring the crap out of me and it always ends in some sort of ridiculous death for them. Like death by magazine, cup, shoe, candle, flame, chemicals, water squirter, bread loaf, earring, pen or oreo cookie. 

And I'm pretty sure that the world can sleep soundly tonight knowing there is one less spider in the world, killed by a flying book.  I don't want to be crass, but I'm pretty sure that the spider's last thoughts were probably "WHAT THE FRAK?? IS THAT A NOVEL?"

WHAM!  Rest in peace library spider.  Also resting in peace tonight?  My pride.


Meghan Moore-Hubbard said...

Oh my goodness. I am sitting at my grandmother's kitchen table laughing my butt off! Glad you survived and gave us all a giggle.

Erika said...

AHAHAHHA this is so hilarious. I really wish I could have been there. And also, love thinking about things through the spider's perspective. I mean...seriously, what are they thinking.

Mary Nash said...

I once found a tan spider in my apartment that turned out to be a freaking CAMEL SPIDER that had found it's way into a package that my husband had sent me from Saudi Arabia while he was deployed. There should be support groups for people like us.... at least we can look back and laugh. And also, tan spiders are way creepier.

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